I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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