My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
