My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
