I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
sex in a hospital.. check
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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