I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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