Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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