there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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