She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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