Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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