We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
