Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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