When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
it's like iHOP with fire
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
