You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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