God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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