Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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