I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
