I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
