I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
