I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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