Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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