I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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