totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
