hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
