Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
