Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
