Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
