He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
