remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
