and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
