I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
