I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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