"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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