woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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