No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
