I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
