On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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