We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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