its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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