You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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