You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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