so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
