My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
