And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
