you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize