Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
