Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
