girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
