the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
