apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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