your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
