Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
