got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
