if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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