There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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