a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
