I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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