if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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