if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We have started to decorate penises.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
