Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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