I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
