Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
